Combating expectations as young Christians

People always ask me why I don’t date and tell me by not dating around I will never be able to find a spouse or what I want in a girl. This article and answer by Joshua Harris pretty much sum up where I am coming from, and a great starting point for other Christians looking to start something romantic the right way.

In his book, I KISSED DATING GOODBYE, Joshua Harris describes why as a 

teen he gave up dating. It was because he believed that dating relationships 

are inherently unhealthy. Well, you may ask, “How else do I go about 

meeting and marrying the person of my dreams?” Harris, now happily 

married, suggests a series of steps that people can take to explore whether a 

friendship with someone of the opposite sex should lead to courtship and 

perhaps marriage. When we meet someone special, he says, we should first 

seek a deeper friendship. Although romance may seem more exciting, “it can 

also foster illusion and infatuation, obscuring the true character of each 

person.” Instead of dropping regular routines in order to spend time 

together, the couple should “find activities that pull [them] both into each 

other’s world of family, friends, work, … and ministry.” During this period of 

deepening friendship, flirting and “love talk” should be avoided. Both parties 

should then consult parents and trusted advisors about the advisability of 

moving beyond friendship. These mentors can help ask the hard questions, 

like: “Am I mature enough to marry?” “Am I able to support a wife?” Or, “Am 

I attracted to his looks or to his character?” 

As you consider your choice for a life partner, four “green lights” can help 

identify whether to stop the relationship or keep on going. First: Is this 

person a Christian? Second: Do you have a realistic vision of what life-long 

marriage is all about? Third: Does your romance meet with the approval of 

parents and godly friends? If you think you’re ready for marriage, but no one 

else does, that’s a red light, and you may need to reconsider. And fourth: Do 

you have a sense of God’s peace about your plans? Or do you feel 

apprehensive? If all the lights are green, Harris writes, the man should tell 

the woman, “We’re growing closer in friendship … and with your 

permission, I want to explore the possibility of marriage. I’m ready to be 

tested by you [and] your family. My desire is to win your heart.” then a 

couple agrees to move forward, they enter into a time the author calls 

“principled romance,” the testing and heart-winning stage of courtship. They 

ought to look for activities that allow them to spend time together among 

family and friends. They may also spend some limited time alone together in 

appropriate settings. After that, it’s time to fish or cut bait: To get engaged, or perhaps break off the relationship. 

So tonight I taught college class, and it was mainly a question and answer night. Basically three months ago we started a class entitled “Finding your second Love,” a class designed to explore dating as Christians. I started by asking the same question to the group of guys and girls I separated out,

“What is your biggest struggle as guys/girls in relationships?”

Girls: Trust and maintaining emotional boundaries

Guys: Communication and maintaining physical boundaries

I have to ask what you all would say guys’ and girls’ biggest struggles are as christians in relationships?

P.S. I would like to continue these dating questions once a week or so and see what you guys have to say

I know we all make lists of traits we want in a spouse or specifics we are looking for and that’s fine. But instead of focussing so much on what we want in a spouse or another person, why not make a list of what we want ourselves to be as a spouse? Make a list of ways we can improve from what we are now, and ways we want to grow spiritually to be prepared for when we meet them. I heard someone suggest journaling for your future spouse, writing down prayers, thoughts, and changes you are trying to make for them.  Not only is this a tangible source for yourself to keep you accountability on the road to being that person, but what a great way to show your spouse you loved them before you even knew them.

After small group tonight I was talking with my friend about past relationships and possible future ones. He told me one thing he deals with that is constantly on his mind is having to tell his future spouse about his past mistakes sexually. He even went as far as to say it would kill him inside if his future spouse was a virgin because he would hate telling her that he wasn’t. He told me it was something he thought about nearly everyday. I’m sure many of you out there have wondered what it would be like telling your future spouse about the mistakes in your past. Maybe you’ve even thought of the possibility of them not wanting you anymore or rejecting you because of them. Thinking, what if I find the one and I tell them what I did and I lose them because of it? All these thoughts are natural as we are all sinners and have made mistakes. The thing is we have to realize is that person we meet down the road that God has planned for our lives will understand. Their mistakes may be different from your own, but they have mistakes as well. If you can’t forgive someone for what they have done for the past and accept them now as who they are, how can you expect them to accept you for all you’ve done? I used to think when I was younger maybe until I was in high school that I would only marry a girl if she was a virgin. Then I got to college and realized how stupid I was. I met wonderful Christian girls who had made mistakes in their past, girls who encouraged me, and had stronger faiths than I did. I thought to myself would I really want to miss out on having a wonderful wife like this because of a small mistake they made in their past? How could they forgive me for all I’ve done, and the mistakes I have made, if I can’t overlook this one thing. How would I feel if a woman I came to love met me and didn’t want to end up with me because I had made a mistake in my past that I regretted? All these thoughts made me realize that when it comes to marriage you are marrying every part of that person yes, but you are spending the rest of your life with that person and who they are now and will be in the future. That person in the past is dead when they put on Christ or ask God for forgiveness. If God can forgive them for what they have done on the spot and act like that sin was never there in the first place, shouldn’t we? 

 For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

I am answering a question I got a couple days ago, about how to get over a breakup and move on with your life. This question is extremely hard for me to answer because I have never been in a serious relationship and lack experience in this area. But however I have been in situations where I have had a hard time getting over something. I would say it all starts with trust in God. We have to be open to not only the idea but the fact that God has a plan for us as Christians and that this relationship wasn’t in the plans for us. He has bigger things in store for us, things that will trump over this in retrospect. We have to trust that Security in God is way more important than finding security in someone else. We have to find our happiness in God and not in others. Easier said than done of course, but learning to rely on God protects you from being disappointed from relying on others. I would have to say though, there’s never going to be a time that you are going to get over a break up instantly. When you’re attached to a person it’s gonna be tough especially if it was long term.

I know you all know that I am not an advocate of dating if it’s not for the sole intention of marriage and I think this gives validity to that point. When you’re not seeking marriage you ultimately have to deal with issues like this, because we are geared to only give emotions, compassion, and ourselves to one other and when we do it early on before our spouse it really takes a hit on us. It’s as if we were getting a divorce, because often we treat dating almost the same as marriage, society has taught us to do this, even as Christians. Just please guys guard your hearts, don’t get into relationships unless you know it’s someone you can marry and only if you’re ready for marriage. Because it absolutely sucks when you get attached to someone you’re not meant to be with. If you haven’t read my post on the differences between dating and courting please do that, it will tell you how Christian dating should look. Please guys save yourself the hurt by waiting for the one God wants you to be with, but if you are already in the situation where you are dealing with the repercussions of a break up, put your trust in God, he will take care of you. Pray to him and study the word and see what he has to say to his children. 

About a year ago at my best friend’s house I noticed a very peculiar contract on the fridge. It was a dating contract that his brother and his girlfriend entered into. At first I thought it was weird especially just on the fridge like that, but after he explained it to me it made more sense. Him and his girlfriend wanted to date right under God and their parent’s authority so they wrote out not only things they did not want to do, but foundations they wanted to build their relationship on. Foundations like studying the bible together daily and praying together, and not spending too much time alone or apart from their families. I’m not gonna lie at first I thought this was kind of old school and perhaps a bit over the top, but now I think it’s incredible. To actually have a document holding you accountable before God and your parent’s is a lot more binding then merely talking about it. It’s funny too because they are engaged and are getting married in April, and I look that them and can immediately tell a difference in their relationship versus other relationships, even other relationships in the church. Because they chose to make that pact with each other and make it under supervision and authority applying the same motives and methods as courting. By signing something and making it binding, it does just that, it makes it binding. It also lays everything on the table and makes intentions clear. This is something I will do if I am ever lucky enough to seriously consider dating a Christian woman. 

If young Christians were as concerned with spreading the word of God, as they are with dating, there would be a whole lot more Christians in the world.

Why do people lead other people on? It happens all the time and chances are you guys have been on a side of this at least one time in your life. I have narrowed it down to two reasons why this happens.

1. Selfishness (the most common reason)

People like the attention they get when they flirt with others of the opposite sex, and it raises their self esteem. Even if that person is not interested in the other person, people like it when other’s become interested in them or give them some kind of attention. This usually means that person is not secure in themselves and is seeking security by the attention.

The most common reason is probably that person wants to get some action without being in a relationship. So they lead a girl/guy on to make them think they are interested in them, maybe even tell them they are and then wait until they get what they want and then are done with the whole situation or try to keep it “friends with benefits.” This is just a person fulfilling selfish lustful desires. 

2. Unintentional Leading on (not as common)

Sometimes people do not realize they are leading someone on. They may be a really nice and friendly person. Sometimes people’s friendliness can be mistaken for flirting, but I would say it depends on who’s interpreting the friendliness. I think I have unintentionally led girls on before because I am a naturally friendly person, but if you follow the friendship guidelines I have set or your own boundaries (see my ”Just Friends” post) then this unintentional leading on should not be a problem.

More often then not though you know what you are doing when you do it. 

Guys: This is to the guys. You know what you are doing and there is no excuse for this. If you think it may be a problem, set strong boundaries for your friendships. If you are genuinely interested in a girl take time to think things through and when you are ready be intentional about your actions. You need to communicate to that girl exactly what your intentions are, games are for boys who have no respect for women. If you claim to be a Christian man you need to act like one. 

Watch this video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4t043kvVh0

This video is a bit intense but the point is correct, I’m tired of having to pick up the pieces for the boys who claim to be Christians men but yet do stuff like lead girls on. There is no room for selfishness in Christianity, especially when you are involving Christian sisters and are taking advantage of their hopes to marry good Christian men. If you want to do these things, go ahead just don’t bear the name of a Christian.

1 Corinthians 16:13-14 — “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.”

“How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. Blessed are you, O Lord; teach me your statutes! With my lips I declare all the rules of your mouth.”

A Christian man  should be seeking the Lord and if you are leading a girl on or trying to have fun without the commitment of a serious relationship, you aren’t one. We need to be examples to our Christian sisters, because one day we will be the leaders of our families and be accountable for their souls. If you have a daughter one day, as many of you guys will, would you want a Christian man leading your daughter on, potentially breaking her heart?

Girls: You too can also lead guys on. If you are doing this you are just as guilty as the guys. But I will bring up another issue too. You should not allow guys to lead you on, guard your hearts and make a guy be intentional, if he is not do not give him the time of day. Follow the concept of emotional purity! Where you are guarding your emotional commitment to guys as well as your physical. If a guy is pursuing you and you do not think he is ready for marriage or husband material than do not allow him to lead you on. When girls are lead on that usually means they have an emotional attachment to that guy, but a Christian girl should be a challenge. A guy should never think he has a chance at a casual relationship with her, he should be able to tell if he want’s something with her he needs to pursue God to get to her. I love the quote that says, “a woman’s heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.” This is exactly how it should be.

Girls keep guidelines for friendships with Christian guys. If a guy is leading you on that usually means you have had time alone, or too much communication. Be aware of the signs of boundaries being crossed, and it’s your responsibility to be up front with the guy. If you are genuinely interested in the Christian guy then spend time with him in groups and make him go through the proper steps if he is into you. The proper steps being courting in my opinion. Don’t succumb to your desire for marriage, trust in God and make a man work hard to get to you. A guy who only wants attention from you or a casual relationship will not want to work hard. Guys can tell an easy girl from a mile away let him know you aren’t one.

So thanks to kelseymagnolia I will be writing about leading people on as Christians. I want to focus on the reasons why this happens, why you shouldn’t do this, and why those being led on shouldn’t allow it to happen. I want to take some time on this question though so I will be answering it tomorrow afternoon sometime so I have time to go over it with a mentor of mine. So stay tuned guys and if there is anything specific about this issue you want me to cover please do not hesitate to ask.

-Caleb

1. The Difference in Motive

The first difference lies with the man’s motive in pursuing the relationship. Biblical courtship has one motive — to find a spouse. A man will court a particular woman because he believes it is possible that he could marry her, and the courtship is the process of discerning whether that belief is correct. To the extent that the Bible addresses premarital relationships at all, it uses the language of men marrying and women being given in marriage (see Matt. 24:38; Luke 20:34-35).

Modern dating, on the other hand, need not have marriage as a goal at all. Dating can be recreational. Not only is “dating for fun” acceptable, it is assumed that “practice” and learning by “trial and error” are necessary, even advisable, before finding the person that is just right for you. The fact that individuals will be emotionally and probably physically intimate with many people before settling down with the “right person” is just part of the deal. Yet where is the biblical support for such an approach to marriage? There is none. How many examples of “recreational dating” do we see among God’s people in the Bible? Zero.

2. The Difference in Mind-set

The second major difference between biblical courtship and modern dating is the mind-set couples have when interacting with one another. What do I mean by that? Modern dating is essentially a selfish endeavor. I do not mean maliciously selfish, as in “I’m going to try to hurt you for my benefit.” I mean an oblivious self-centeredness that treats the whole process as ultimately aboutme. After all, what is the main question everyone asks about dating, falling in love, and getting married? “How do I know if I’ve found the one?” What is the unspoken ending to that question? “For me.” Will this person make me happy? Will this relationship meet my needs? How does she look? What is the chemistry like? Have I done as well as I can do?

Selfishness is not what drives a biblical marriage, and therefore should not be what drives a biblical courtship. Biblical courtship recognizes the general call to “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Phil. 2:3, NIV). It also recognizes the specific call that Ephesians 5:25 gives men in marriage, where our main role is sacrificial service. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her. That means loving sacrificially every day. Biblical courtship means that a man does not look for a laundry list of characteristics that comprise his fantasy woman so that his every desire can be fulfilled, but he looks for a godly woman as Scripture defines her — a woman he can love and, yes, be attracted to, but a woman whom he can serve and love as a godly husband.

In other words, modern dating asks, “How can I find the one for me?” while biblical courtship asks, “How can I be the one for her?”

3. The Difference in Methods

Third, and most practically, modern dating and biblical courtship are different in their methods. And this is where the rubber really meets the road. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical courtship, commitment precedes intimacy.

According to the current school of thought, the best way to figure out whether you want to marry a particular person is to act as if you are married and see if you like it. Spend large amounts of time alone together. Become each other’s primary emotional confidantes. Share your deepest secrets and desires. Get to know that person better than anyone else in your life. Grow your physical intimacy and intensity on the same track as your emotional intimacy. What you do and say together is private and is no one else’s business, and since the relationship is private, you need not submit to anyone else’s authority or be accountable. And if this pseudo-marriage works for both of you, then get married. But if one or both of you do not like how it is going, go ahead and break up even if it means going through something like an emotional and probably physical divorce.

In Biblical relationship, commitment precedes intimacy. Within this model, the man should follow the admonition in 1 Timothy 5:1-2 to treat all young women to whom he is not married as sisters, with absolute purity. The man should show leadership and willingness to bear the risk of rejection by defining the nature and the pace of the relationship. He should do this before spending significant time alone with her in order to avoid hurting or confusing her.

He should also seek to ensure that a significant amount of time is spent with other couples or friends rather than alone. The topics, manner, and frequency of conversations should be characterized by the desire to become acquainted with each other more deeply, but not in a way that defrauds each other. There should be no physical intimacy outside the context of marriage, and the couple should seek accountability for the spiritual health and progress of the relationship, as well as for their physical and emotional intimacy.

Within this model, both parties should seek to find out, before God, whether they should be married, and whether they can service and honor God better together than apart.