Society says as young people we are lazy, naive, rebellious, and followers not leaders. The world does not expect much from us as young people and that has transferred over to the church. We are told we need to follow other's examples not be the examples. The bible has very different things to say, and I'm hoping as a young christian myself at 22 years old I can help other young Christians strive to be leaders not followers, to be servants not those who are served, to find worth in God's eyes not the world's eyes. 1 Timothy 4: 12 says, "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
About me: My name is Caleb I am 22 years old and I recently graduated from Pepperdine University. I am not a young person who has been rejected by society so I am lashing out, quite the opposite. I found myself in college to be a part of the world, I drank, I partied, I went on spring break trips to Mexico, I was in a fraternity, I even modeled professionally in LA for a while. What I realized is that some where along the way I had succumbed to the World's expectations of what a college student should be and put God on the back burner. My mind set was that I had time to be a good Christian and an example when I was older, I realize now that there's no better time to serve God and be an example then the now. I have rededicated my life to Christ and helping young people do the same. I am a pseudo college intern at my church and can't wait to see the way God will challenge me.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
Describes how I feel about dating spot on
People always ask me why I don’t date and tell me by not dating around I will never be able to find a spouse or what I want in a girl. This article and answer by Joshua Harris pretty much sum up where I am coming from, and a great starting point for other Christians looking to start something romantic the right way.
In his book, I KISSED DATING GOODBYE, Joshua Harris describes why as a
teen he gave up dating. It was because he believed that dating relationships
are inherently unhealthy. Well, you may ask, “How else do I go about
meeting and marrying the person of my dreams?” Harris, now happily
married, suggests a series of steps that people can take to explore whether a
friendship with someone of the opposite sex should lead to courtship and
perhaps marriage. When we meet someone special, he says, we should first
seek a deeper friendship. Although romance may seem more exciting, “it can
also foster illusion and infatuation, obscuring the true character of each
person.” Instead of dropping regular routines in order to spend time
together, the couple should “find activities that pull [them] both into each
other’s world of family, friends, work, … and ministry.” During this period of
deepening friendship, flirting and “love talk” should be avoided. Both parties
should then consult parents and trusted advisors about the advisability of
moving beyond friendship. These mentors can help ask the hard questions,
like: “Am I mature enough to marry?” “Am I able to support a wife?” Or, “Am
I attracted to his looks or to his character?”
As you consider your choice for a life partner, four “green lights” can help
identify whether to stop the relationship or keep on going. First: Is this
person a Christian? Second: Do you have a realistic vision of what life-long
marriage is all about? Third: Does your romance meet with the approval of
parents and godly friends? If you think you’re ready for marriage, but no one
else does, that’s a red light, and you may need to reconsider. And fourth: Do
you have a sense of God’s peace about your plans? Or do you feel
apprehensive? If all the lights are green, Harris writes, the man should tell
the woman, “We’re growing closer in friendship … and with your
permission, I want to explore the possibility of marriage. I’m ready to be
tested by you [and] your family. My desire is to win your heart.” then a
couple agrees to move forward, they enter into a time the author calls
“principled romance,” the testing and heart-winning stage of courtship. They
ought to look for activities that allow them to spend time together among
family and friends. They may also spend some limited time alone together in
appropriate settings. After that, it’s time to fish or cut bait: To get engaged, or perhaps break off the relationship.
Something my college minister said that I liked a lot was…
When two people get married and become “one flesh” it’s not some weird equation where 1 person plus 1 person equals 1 person, it’s more like your two halves come together and make a whole. You complete each other so to speak, your strengths, weaknesses, passions etc all work together for one life. Your paths come together with one common purpose and you give up half of your life, and gain half of your spouses life.
This is love
I was reading Romans 12 and came across this and immediately thought that I want to read this to my wife on our wedding day with my vows, this is the love I want.
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
Great question I really appreciate your strive to remain pure and actually make boundaries. I would suggest first actually sitting down together and writing those boundaries out and typing them up as a dating contract and sign your names on the “contract” saying you will try your very hardest to abide by it. Then place it somewhere public like on your refrigerator at home, or maybe go over it with a leader at your church whom you trust or someone else to hold you both accountable. I talked to a few married couples who did this when they were dating and they said it helped tremendously with keeping physical boundaries in tact and their relationship focussed on God. I would also limit the time you two spend alone. For a guy alone time is the hardest part when trying to remain pure. Occupy your time together serving God, or fellowshipping with other believers. If you are alone, say at dinner, be somewhere public where you will be free from temptations. Ultimately I feel it comes to your mindset. If you both want your relationship to be set on the right foundations with God as center, you will put your desires behind you and his first.
As far as the second part to the question, it’s hard to make a guy take the lead. If a guy is ready to possibly get married he needs to take this step on his own, and understand his role. For a start explain how important this is to you, and talk about your expectations of the relationship. Then ask him his, and what you can do to help him to be that leader and remain pure. It’s obviously going to be hard for a guy to abstain from the physical, but if he genuinely cares about this relationship let him know he needs to be strong and guide it as God would want him to. Let me know if you have any more questions I’d love to try and help if I can. Good luck on your relationship! Remember to always keep God as the focus.
So a couple weeks ago I suggested journaling for your future spouse to prepare you to be the person spiritually you want to be when you are married. I just got mine tonight, and am excited/nervous to start this. I mean what do you say to a person you haven’t met yet or know you will meet for sure? I pray to God to guide me through this wonderful adventure.
Preparing for marriage
I know we all make lists of traits we want in a spouse or specifics we are looking for and that’s fine. But instead of focussing so much on what we want in a spouse or another person, why not make a list of what we want ourselves to be as a spouse? Make a list of ways we can improve from what we are now, and ways we want to grow spiritually to be prepared for when we meet them. I heard someone suggest journaling for your future spouse, writing down prayers, thoughts, and changes you are trying to make for them. Not only is this a tangible source for yourself to keep you accountability on the road to being that person, but what a great way to show your spouse you loved them before you even knew them.
Guys take note on this! Awesome advice.
Mark Williams is a great source for dating/marriage advice as a Christian. I love the suggestion he brings up here about creating a journal to prepare for your wife and then giving it to her as a gift. What better gift could there be on your wedding day then to actually read the prayers and preparation that have been all for you before your husband even knew you? I think I will start doing this very soon.
Christian dating thought
Tonight in our College class at church, which has been called “Finding our second love” a class on what Christian dating looks like, a point was brought up I really wanted to touch on. Someone brought up the point that when we first start dating someone, they are going to be on their best behavior, hiding flaws, trying hard etc. So if there is something we don’t like about them now, that will only get worse if we marry them. Just remember in marriage you will get the worst of someone, you will get all of them and there isn’t that facade any longer. You are marrying that person’s flaws, so if there is something that bugs you now, or is compromising to your beliefs or doesn’t match up with want you want in a spouse, BREAK IT OFF! The whole idea of marriage shouldn’t be about settling so you don’t end up lonely, it should be that a person has so many of the qualities a spouse should possess and you connect on every single level so much you cannot stand being around them any longer without being one in body and in spirit. So don’t settle for less, wait for God to give you that person who is complete in him without you and without needing to change.
Differences between courting/dating; Can we please bring courting back?
1. The Difference in Motive The first difference lies with the man’s motive in pursuing the relationship. Biblical courtship has one motive — to find a spouse. A man will court a particular woman because he believes it is possible that he could marry her, and the courtship is the process of discerning whether that belief is correct. To the extent that the Bible addresses premarital relationships at all, it uses the language of men marrying and women being given in marriage (see Matt. 24:38; Luke 20:34-35). Modern dating, on the other hand, need not have marriage as a goal at all. Dating can be recreational. Not only is “dating for fun” acceptable, it is assumed that “practice” and learning by “trial and error” are necessary, even advisable, before finding the person that is just right for you. The fact that individuals will be emotionally and probably physically intimate with many people before settling down with the “right person” is just part of the deal. Yet where is the biblical support for such an approach to marriage? There is none. How many examples of “recreational dating” do we see among God’s people in the Bible? Zero. 2. The Difference in Mind-set The second major difference between biblical courtship and modern dating is the mind-set couples have when interacting with one another. What do I mean by that? Modern dating is essentially a selfish endeavor. I do not mean maliciously selfish, as in “I’m going to try to hurt you for my benefit.” I mean an oblivious self-centeredness that treats the whole process as ultimately aboutme. After all, what is the main question everyone asks about dating, falling in love, and getting married? “How do I know if I’ve found the one?” What is the unspoken ending to that question? “For me.” Will this person make me happy? Will this relationship meet my needs? How does she look? What is the chemistry like? Have I done as well as I can do? Selfishness is not what drives a biblical marriage, and therefore should not be what drives a biblical courtship. Biblical courtship recognizes the general call to “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Phil. 2:3, NIV). It also recognizes the specific call that Ephesians 5:25 gives men in marriage, where our main role is sacrificial service. We are to love our wives as Christ loved the church, giving himself up for her. That means loving sacrificially every day. Biblical courtship means that a man does not look for a laundry list of characteristics that comprise his fantasy woman so that his every desire can be fulfilled, but he looks for a godly woman as Scripture defines her — a woman he can love and, yes, be attracted to, but a woman whom he can serve and love as a godly husband. In other words, modern dating asks, “How can I find the one for me?” while biblical courtship asks, “How can I be the one for her?” 3. The Difference in Methods Third, and most practically, modern dating and biblical courtship are different in their methods. And this is where the rubber really meets the road. In modern dating, intimacy precedes commitment. In biblical courtship, commitment precedes intimacy. According to the current school of thought, the best way to figure out whether you want to marry a particular person is to act as if you are married and see if you like it. Spend large amounts of time alone together. Become each other’s primary emotional confidantes. Share your deepest secrets and desires. Get to know that person better than anyone else in your life. Grow your physical intimacy and intensity on the same track as your emotional intimacy. What you do and say together is private and is no one else’s business, and since the relationship is private, you need not submit to anyone else’s authority or be accountable. And if this pseudo-marriage works for both of you, then get married. But if one or both of you do not like how it is going, go ahead and break up even if it means going through something like an emotional and probably physical divorce. In Biblical relationship, commitment precedes intimacy. Within this model, the man should follow the admonition in 1 Timothy 5:1-2 to treat all young women to whom he is not married as sisters, with absolute purity. The man should show leadership and willingness to bear the risk of rejection by defining the nature and the pace of the relationship. He should do this before spending significant time alone with her in order to avoid hurting or confusing her. He should also seek to ensure that a significant amount of time is spent with other couples or friends rather than alone. The topics, manner, and frequency of conversations should be characterized by the desire to become acquainted with each other more deeply, but not in a way that defrauds each other. There should be no physical intimacy outside the context of marriage, and the couple should seek accountability for the spiritual health and progress of the relationship, as well as for their physical and emotional intimacy. Within this model, both parties should seek to find out, before God, whether they should be married, and whether they can service and honor God better together than apart.
A call to be single
Someone brought this to be attention recently, that I had a lot of posts addressing dating and marriage and wants for men and women, but that I hadn’t talked about remaining single. I full heartedly believe there is a large calling for some of us to remain single. Although the notion of “being alone” scares many of us today it was consider a blessing in the bible. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul says, “ I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7 I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.8 Now to the unmarriedand the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. 9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
Paul knew that being married had its own burdens as far as ministering goes, it is a lot harder to put God first when you have a marriage to worry about and kids to take care of. Paul continues in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35, “I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord.” It is not a sin to remain single, even for your entire life. The most important thing in life is not finding a mate and having children, but serving God. Some people I believe are called to remain single their whole lives, but what a wonderful calling! To serve God free from restraint, there is so much to be said about that and so much you can do for God’s kingdom.
But remember that Paul mentions here singleness is for those who have the self control to remain from sexual immorality. So if it is an issue for you and you burn with passion or desire is too strong, God has reserved marriage for us although the burdens will be greater in your walk with God. But both lives have their rewards and both lives have their callings to do great things for God’s kingdom. The important thing to remember is God comes first, no matter what life you choose!
