Society says as young people we are lazy, naive, rebellious, and followers not leaders. The world does not expect much from us as young people and that has transferred over to the church. We are told we need to follow other's examples not be the examples. The bible has very different things to say, and I'm hoping as a young christian myself at 22 years old I can help other young Christians strive to be leaders not followers, to be servants not those who are served, to find worth in God's eyes not the world's eyes. 1 Timothy 4: 12 says, "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
About me: My name is Caleb I am 22 years old and I recently graduated from Pepperdine University. I am not a young person who has been rejected by society so I am lashing out, quite the opposite. I found myself in college to be a part of the world, I drank, I partied, I went on spring break trips to Mexico, I was in a fraternity, I even modeled professionally in LA for a while. What I realized is that some where along the way I had succumbed to the World's expectations of what a college student should be and put God on the back burner. My mind set was that I had time to be a good Christian and an example when I was older, I realize now that there's no better time to serve God and be an example then the now. I have rededicated my life to Christ and helping young people do the same. I am a pseudo college intern at my church and can't wait to see the way God will challenge me.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
Leading on… (final edition)
Why do people lead other people on? It happens all the time and chances are you guys have been on a side of this at least one time in your life. I have narrowed it down to two reasons why this happens.
1. Selfishness (the most common reason)
People like the attention they get when they flirt with others of the opposite sex, and it raises their self esteem. Even if that person is not interested in the other person, people like it when other’s become interested in them or give them some kind of attention. This usually means that person is not secure in themselves and is seeking security by the attention.
The most common reason is probably that person wants to get some action without being in a relationship. So they lead a girl/guy on to make them think they are interested in them, maybe even tell them they are and then wait until they get what they want and then are done with the whole situation or try to keep it “friends with benefits.” This is just a person fulfilling selfish lustful desires.
2. Unintentional Leading on (not as common)
Sometimes people do not realize they are leading someone on. They may be a really nice and friendly person. Sometimes people’s friendliness can be mistaken for flirting, but I would say it depends on who’s interpreting the friendliness. I think I have unintentionally led girls on before because I am a naturally friendly person, but if you follow the friendship guidelines I have set or your own boundaries (see my ”Just Friends” post) then this unintentional leading on should not be a problem.
More often then not though you know what you are doing when you do it.
Guys: This is to the guys. You know what you are doing and there is no excuse for this. If you think it may be a problem, set strong boundaries for your friendships. If you are genuinely interested in a girl take time to think things through and when you are ready be intentional about your actions. You need to communicate to that girl exactly what your intentions are, games are for boys who have no respect for women. If you claim to be a Christian man you need to act like one.
Watch this video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4t043kvVh0
This video is a bit intense but the point is correct, I’m tired of having to pick up the pieces for the boys who claim to be Christians men but yet do stuff like lead girls on. There is no room for selfishness in Christianity, especially when you are involving Christian sisters and are taking advantage of their hopes to marry good Christian men. If you want to do these things, go ahead just don’t bear the name of a Christian.
1 Corinthians 16:13-14 — “Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. Let all that you do be done in love.”
“How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to your word. With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments! I have stored up your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you. Blessed are you, O Lord; teach me your statutes! With my lips I declare all the rules of your mouth.”
A Christian man should be seeking the Lord and if you are leading a girl on or trying to have fun without the commitment of a serious relationship, you aren’t one. We need to be examples to our Christian sisters, because one day we will be the leaders of our families and be accountable for their souls. If you have a daughter one day, as many of you guys will, would you want a Christian man leading your daughter on, potentially breaking her heart?
Girls: You too can also lead guys on. If you are doing this you are just as guilty as the guys. But I will bring up another issue too. You should not allow guys to lead you on, guard your hearts and make a guy be intentional, if he is not do not give him the time of day. Follow the concept of emotional purity! Where you are guarding your emotional commitment to guys as well as your physical. If a guy is pursuing you and you do not think he is ready for marriage or husband material than do not allow him to lead you on. When girls are lead on that usually means they have an emotional attachment to that guy, but a Christian girl should be a challenge. A guy should never think he has a chance at a casual relationship with her, he should be able to tell if he want’s something with her he needs to pursue God to get to her. I love the quote that says, “a woman’s heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her.” This is exactly how it should be.
Girls keep guidelines for friendships with Christian guys. If a guy is leading you on that usually means you have had time alone, or too much communication. Be aware of the signs of boundaries being crossed, and it’s your responsibility to be up front with the guy. If you are genuinely interested in the Christian guy then spend time with him in groups and make him go through the proper steps if he is into you. The proper steps being courting in my opinion. Don’t succumb to your desire for marriage, trust in God and make a man work hard to get to you. A guy who only wants attention from you or a casual relationship will not want to work hard. Guys can tell an easy girl from a mile away let him know you aren’t one.
Well I definitely appreciate you reading my stuff it means a lot, I am also glad it can stir your mind up a little and make you think. YES I do think it is old school thinking haha, my friend told me that exact thing last night. But first off remember that Christianity is suppose to be counter cultural. There are a lot of issues Christianity has changed on based on culture, for example dating. It’s pretty acceptable today to date casually as a Christian and even acceptable to make out with someone, but what do you think the Bible would say about it? I think it’s this acceptability from Christians with cultural issues that makes my point seem a bit over the top. A lot of where I am coming from too has to do with problems I have seen in my college group and issues I have had myself. I have seen what a lack of boundaries does to two people who called themselves just friends. My point is friendship between two people of opposite sex is a hard thing to preserve, especially when you are Christians. Spending too much time together is a recipe for disaster; becoming interested in the other person because at our age we are wired to look for spouses, someone you are willing to be friends with usually has those qualities. This list is especially relevant to people within the same church group, that’s kinda what I had in mind when I was writing it. Because you are around each other a lot, it is important to restrict your boundaries so that the friendship line isn’t crossed, unless you are pursuing them for marriage. We don’t want to lead someone on or put ourselves in a situation where intentions are blurred. We are each other’s brothers and sisters in Christ, and I think these boundaries help us keep that in mind. I don’t think there is an identical set of boundaries for everyone, but my purpose here is to make a general “Just Friends” guideline Christians can use and alter to help them in their walks at this difficult age.
Just Friends
A question that has been on my mind for the last couple weeks is what boundaries need to be set with Christian friends of the opposite sex? I wanted to know this answer because I think in the past I have unintentionally led Christian girl friends of mine on. This has also been an issue in my college group in the past and I don’t want it to happen again. Because when it happens, even when people casual date in our college group and it doesn’t work out it causes dissension and people inevitably don’t come back because of it, and this is a real problem. I’m sure all of you have had those friends that have ended up liking you or thinking there was something more because you didn’t have proper boundaries set. This is especially a problem with Christian girls and guys because we are all looking for a good Christian spouse. So I guess I will attempt to what boundaries should be set in a Christian friendship.
1. Do not hang out alone with a Christian friend of the opposite sex.
Although you may think it is fine, I have seen so many cases where one person innocently asked another friend to coffee to catch up and the other person thought they were pursuing them.
Do not even have a bible study one on one with a friend of the opposite sex. For Christians studying the bible with someone of the opposite sex it is attractive, it mimics what husbands and wives or suppose to do, talking about deep issues, praying together etc makes you vulnerable and creates a deep trust in that person.
Car rides too can be an issue, if you are going on a road trip etc say a Church retreat do not ride alone with someone of the opposite sex you are just friends with.
Do things in group settings, all these situations can be avoided if you just bring another person along. It’s easy to do, if you are having a bible study invite a couple more people.
2. Text messaging/Facebooking etc
Be cautious on the amount of texting you do with a friend of the opposite sex. This is an area I’ve gotten myself in trouble with. Do not send nonsense texts, meaning texts that are not necessary to send such as, “Hey how’s your day going?” “What’s up?” In my case “Yo playa wat it do?” Also texting after a certain hour can be bad, I try to limit my text messages to before 10pm. Content is very important, I joke around a lot and this can be taken as flirting.
Facebook messages, pokes, likes, comments should also be limited. I have known people who have totally creeped out a friend by liking too many of their photos or comments. Facebook chat can also be bad, it’s real easy to be bored and message someone without thinking about it. But a simple message often leads to a long conversation, although I love deep conversations sometimes people read into them and take them to mean something more.
Skyping is also very personal and intimate, you might just think you are catching up with a friend who may be at college out of town but this can also give friends the wrong idea.
3. When hanging out (which hopefully is in groups)
Do not consistently single someone out to talk to of the opposite sex. This can mean being away from the group and talking to them alone. Or just continually looking at and talking to them more than anyone else while in the group.
Touching gives too many wrong signals. Avoid this. When you are talking to someone touching their arm can be taken for more, leg etc really any touching should be avoided. Massages also will convey more, I used to also be guilty of this one though I have stopped.
4. Do not be over complimentary
Simple messages encouraging someone of the opposite sex can go a long way, but keep it to that. Messages letting them know what a good Christian woman/man they are and telling them how you admire them can definitely be taken the wrong way.
You shouldn’t comment on someone’s physical appearance, don’t get me wrong some situations a simple nice hair cut or I like you shirt can be okay, but telling someone they look really pretty or cute is not appropriate.
5. Content of conversation
When you are having a conversation with a friend of the opposite sex, some conversation topics should be avoided. Do not confide your problems in a friend of the opposite sex especially love or dating problems. This can go the wrong way, if you are asking for instance why can’t I find a normal Christian guy/girl or asking the opposite sex ways you can improve yourself you will be sending the wrong idea and inviting compliments from that person.
I know this list is not perfect but I hope it helps a little bit. If you have anything to add or think shouldn’t be on there let me know I want to learn as much as I can so I can help others and myself. Be careful and set boundaries in friendships, do not pursue something unless you are for sure it will lead to something serious. It all comes down to finding security in God over girls/guys.
