Society says as young people we are lazy, naive, rebellious, and followers not leaders. The world does not expect much from us as young people and that has transferred over to the church. We are told we need to follow other's examples not be the examples. The bible has very different things to say, and I'm hoping as a young christian myself at 22 years old I can help other young Christians strive to be leaders not followers, to be servants not those who are served, to find worth in God's eyes not the world's eyes. 1 Timothy 4: 12 says, "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
About me: My name is Caleb I am 22 years old and I recently graduated from Pepperdine University. I am not a young person who has been rejected by society so I am lashing out, quite the opposite. I found myself in college to be a part of the world, I drank, I partied, I went on spring break trips to Mexico, I was in a fraternity, I even modeled professionally in LA for a while. What I realized is that some where along the way I had succumbed to the World's expectations of what a college student should be and put God on the back burner. My mind set was that I had time to be a good Christian and an example when I was older, I realize now that there's no better time to serve God and be an example then the now. I have rededicated my life to Christ and helping young people do the same. I am a pseudo college intern at my church and can't wait to see the way God will challenge me.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
Describes how I feel about dating spot on
People always ask me why I don’t date and tell me by not dating around I will never be able to find a spouse or what I want in a girl. This article and answer by Joshua Harris pretty much sum up where I am coming from, and a great starting point for other Christians looking to start something romantic the right way.
In his book, I KISSED DATING GOODBYE, Joshua Harris describes why as a
teen he gave up dating. It was because he believed that dating relationships
are inherently unhealthy. Well, you may ask, “How else do I go about
meeting and marrying the person of my dreams?” Harris, now happily
married, suggests a series of steps that people can take to explore whether a
friendship with someone of the opposite sex should lead to courtship and
perhaps marriage. When we meet someone special, he says, we should first
seek a deeper friendship. Although romance may seem more exciting, “it can
also foster illusion and infatuation, obscuring the true character of each
person.” Instead of dropping regular routines in order to spend time
together, the couple should “find activities that pull [them] both into each
other’s world of family, friends, work, … and ministry.” During this period of
deepening friendship, flirting and “love talk” should be avoided. Both parties
should then consult parents and trusted advisors about the advisability of
moving beyond friendship. These mentors can help ask the hard questions,
like: “Am I mature enough to marry?” “Am I able to support a wife?” Or, “Am
I attracted to his looks or to his character?”
As you consider your choice for a life partner, four “green lights” can help
identify whether to stop the relationship or keep on going. First: Is this
person a Christian? Second: Do you have a realistic vision of what life-long
marriage is all about? Third: Does your romance meet with the approval of
parents and godly friends? If you think you’re ready for marriage, but no one
else does, that’s a red light, and you may need to reconsider. And fourth: Do
you have a sense of God’s peace about your plans? Or do you feel
apprehensive? If all the lights are green, Harris writes, the man should tell
the woman, “We’re growing closer in friendship … and with your
permission, I want to explore the possibility of marriage. I’m ready to be
tested by you [and] your family. My desire is to win your heart.” then a
couple agrees to move forward, they enter into a time the author calls
“principled romance,” the testing and heart-winning stage of courtship. They
ought to look for activities that allow them to spend time together among
family and friends. They may also spend some limited time alone together in
appropriate settings. After that, it’s time to fish or cut bait: To get engaged, or perhaps break off the relationship.
Dating question
So tonight I taught college class, and it was mainly a question and answer night. Basically three months ago we started a class entitled “Finding your second Love,” a class designed to explore dating as Christians. I started by asking the same question to the group of guys and girls I separated out,
“What is your biggest struggle as guys/girls in relationships?”
Girls: Trust and maintaining emotional boundaries
Guys: Communication and maintaining physical boundaries
I have to ask what you all would say guys’ and girls’ biggest struggles are as christians in relationships?
P.S. I would like to continue these dating questions once a week or so and see what you guys have to say
Great question I really appreciate your strive to remain pure and actually make boundaries. I would suggest first actually sitting down together and writing those boundaries out and typing them up as a dating contract and sign your names on the “contract” saying you will try your very hardest to abide by it. Then place it somewhere public like on your refrigerator at home, or maybe go over it with a leader at your church whom you trust or someone else to hold you both accountable. I talked to a few married couples who did this when they were dating and they said it helped tremendously with keeping physical boundaries in tact and their relationship focussed on God. I would also limit the time you two spend alone. For a guy alone time is the hardest part when trying to remain pure. Occupy your time together serving God, or fellowshipping with other believers. If you are alone, say at dinner, be somewhere public where you will be free from temptations. Ultimately I feel it comes to your mindset. If you both want your relationship to be set on the right foundations with God as center, you will put your desires behind you and his first.
As far as the second part to the question, it’s hard to make a guy take the lead. If a guy is ready to possibly get married he needs to take this step on his own, and understand his role. For a start explain how important this is to you, and talk about your expectations of the relationship. Then ask him his, and what you can do to help him to be that leader and remain pure. It’s obviously going to be hard for a guy to abstain from the physical, but if he genuinely cares about this relationship let him know he needs to be strong and guide it as God would want him to. Let me know if you have any more questions I’d love to try and help if I can. Good luck on your relationship! Remember to always keep God as the focus.
Preparing for marriage
I know we all make lists of traits we want in a spouse or specifics we are looking for and that’s fine. But instead of focussing so much on what we want in a spouse or another person, why not make a list of what we want ourselves to be as a spouse? Make a list of ways we can improve from what we are now, and ways we want to grow spiritually to be prepared for when we meet them. I heard someone suggest journaling for your future spouse, writing down prayers, thoughts, and changes you are trying to make for them. Not only is this a tangible source for yourself to keep you accountability on the road to being that person, but what a great way to show your spouse you loved them before you even knew them.
Turn ons:
1. Strong Christian (someone I aspire to be like)
2. Positive (even when stressed can look at the cup half full)
3. Adventurous (someone spontaneous who can keep things interesting)
4. Independent (does not need a man to make her happy, secure in God)
5. Outgoing/humor (a girl who is witty and can make me laugh and can come right back at me when I joke around with them)
Turn offs
1. Insecure/Dependence (A woman who thinks they need a guy to be happy, not secure in who God made them or wants them to be)
2. Negativity/Pessimism (I can’t stand negative attitudes someone who is always bringing others or the mood down)
3. Boring (Someone who is too scared to have a little fun, meaning random adventures etc, I don’t like doing the same thing all the time)
4. Superficial/materialistic (people who need things, or to shop or to spend money to be happy drives me crazy)
5. Not Lady like (it absolutely bothers me when girls cuss, burp, talk about private issues etc)
Hope this can helps, hadn’t actually thought about this kinda thing in a very long time.
Guys take note on this! Awesome advice.
Mark Williams is a great source for dating/marriage advice as a Christian. I love the suggestion he brings up here about creating a journal to prepare for your wife and then giving it to her as a gift. What better gift could there be on your wedding day then to actually read the prayers and preparation that have been all for you before your husband even knew you? I think I will start doing this very soon.
Mistakes (Personal thought)
After small group tonight I was talking with my friend about past relationships and possible future ones. He told me one thing he deals with that is constantly on his mind is having to tell his future spouse about his past mistakes sexually. He even went as far as to say it would kill him inside if his future spouse was a virgin because he would hate telling her that he wasn’t. He told me it was something he thought about nearly everyday. I’m sure many of you out there have wondered what it would be like telling your future spouse about the mistakes in your past. Maybe you’ve even thought of the possibility of them not wanting you anymore or rejecting you because of them. Thinking, what if I find the one and I tell them what I did and I lose them because of it? All these thoughts are natural as we are all sinners and have made mistakes. The thing is we have to realize is that person we meet down the road that God has planned for our lives will understand. Their mistakes may be different from your own, but they have mistakes as well. If you can’t forgive someone for what they have done for the past and accept them now as who they are, how can you expect them to accept you for all you’ve done? I used to think when I was younger maybe until I was in high school that I would only marry a girl if she was a virgin. Then I got to college and realized how stupid I was. I met wonderful Christian girls who had made mistakes in their past, girls who encouraged me, and had stronger faiths than I did. I thought to myself would I really want to miss out on having a wonderful wife like this because of a small mistake they made in their past? How could they forgive me for all I’ve done, and the mistakes I have made, if I can’t overlook this one thing. How would I feel if a woman I came to love met me and didn’t want to end up with me because I had made a mistake in my past that I regretted? All these thoughts made me realize that when it comes to marriage you are marrying every part of that person yes, but you are spending the rest of your life with that person and who they are now and will be in the future. That person in the past is dead when they put on Christ or ask God for forgiveness. If God can forgive them for what they have done on the spot and act like that sin was never there in the first place, shouldn’t we?
For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
Getting over a breakup
I am answering a question I got a couple days ago, about how to get over a breakup and move on with your life. This question is extremely hard for me to answer because I have never been in a serious relationship and lack experience in this area. But however I have been in situations where I have had a hard time getting over something. I would say it all starts with trust in God. We have to be open to not only the idea but the fact that God has a plan for us as Christians and that this relationship wasn’t in the plans for us. He has bigger things in store for us, things that will trump over this in retrospect. We have to trust that Security in God is way more important than finding security in someone else. We have to find our happiness in God and not in others. Easier said than done of course, but learning to rely on God protects you from being disappointed from relying on others. I would have to say though, there’s never going to be a time that you are going to get over a break up instantly. When you’re attached to a person it’s gonna be tough especially if it was long term.
I know you all know that I am not an advocate of dating if it’s not for the sole intention of marriage and I think this gives validity to that point. When you’re not seeking marriage you ultimately have to deal with issues like this, because we are geared to only give emotions, compassion, and ourselves to one other and when we do it early on before our spouse it really takes a hit on us. It’s as if we were getting a divorce, because often we treat dating almost the same as marriage, society has taught us to do this, even as Christians. Just please guys guard your hearts, don’t get into relationships unless you know it’s someone you can marry and only if you’re ready for marriage. Because it absolutely sucks when you get attached to someone you’re not meant to be with. If you haven’t read my post on the differences between dating and courting please do that, it will tell you how Christian dating should look. Please guys save yourself the hurt by waiting for the one God wants you to be with, but if you are already in the situation where you are dealing with the repercussions of a break up, put your trust in God, he will take care of you. Pray to him and study the word and see what he has to say to his children.
Dating Contract
About a year ago at my best friend’s house I noticed a very peculiar contract on the fridge. It was a dating contract that his brother and his girlfriend entered into. At first I thought it was weird especially just on the fridge like that, but after he explained it to me it made more sense. Him and his girlfriend wanted to date right under God and their parent’s authority so they wrote out not only things they did not want to do, but foundations they wanted to build their relationship on. Foundations like studying the bible together daily and praying together, and not spending too much time alone or apart from their families. I’m not gonna lie at first I thought this was kind of old school and perhaps a bit over the top, but now I think it’s incredible. To actually have a document holding you accountable before God and your parent’s is a lot more binding then merely talking about it. It’s funny too because they are engaged and are getting married in April, and I look that them and can immediately tell a difference in their relationship versus other relationships, even other relationships in the church. Because they chose to make that pact with each other and make it under supervision and authority applying the same motives and methods as courting. By signing something and making it binding, it does just that, it makes it binding. It also lays everything on the table and makes intentions clear. This is something I will do if I am ever lucky enough to seriously consider dating a Christian woman.
A glimpse into my life
I want to talk about something that happened to me about 8 or 9 months ago. I know I talk a lot about dating and what not and I have mentioned being the person now that you want to be for your future spouse when you meet them. For me that means being the leader in all aspects, especially spiritually, for my future wife, if God intends me to have one, right now and not having to change later. I guess this stuff never really hits home until you go through it.
I was in the midst of my partying stage, more like the height of it, 2nd semester senior year of college. There was this girl I went to a sorority formal with that I had developed a pretty good friendship with. That night I started to notice how awesome of a girl she was, great Christian girl, good sense of humor, fun, and incredible personality not to mention very pretty. At the end of the night after having awesome chemistry I went in to kiss her (something that had come to not mean much to me) and she stopped me and said she couldn’t. My response was that’s fine, but why? She gave me an answer that shot me right to the heart, she said you have a player reputation and I am not the girl to kiss a guy without it meaning anything. I have never been so taken a back by what a girl has said to me. If you know me, you know that I have always been a good guy, very respectful of women, but had somehow allowed myself to get this reputation. I don’t know if she realized it then, but she really started me on my transformation to where I am now. After that I hung out with her a few times genuinely interested in pursuing something more but understood my chances were ruined. I had blown it because of my selfishness.
What she said to me made me realize I needed to be the guy I wanted to be for my wife now, so that I could attract the right kind of girl. Genuine Christian girls, the kind I want to attract, are going to want a man to be a spiritual leader for them, and I wasn’t at the time. So many times we think we will change later or change somebody for that matter, but the thing is if you want that awesome Christian spouse, you have to be that awesome Christian person first. When she said that to me it honestly made me mad at myself for not being that Christian man, because I had ruined something that could have been great, a relationship that hypothetically could have been built on the right foundations that placed God first. Be that person now! Be that person you want to be when you’re married, and be it NOW.
