Society says as young people we are lazy, naive, rebellious, and followers not leaders. The world does not expect much from us as young people and that has transferred over to the church. We are told we need to follow other's examples not be the examples. The bible has very different things to say, and I'm hoping as a young christian myself at 22 years old I can help other young Christians strive to be leaders not followers, to be servants not those who are served, to find worth in God's eyes not the world's eyes. 1 Timothy 4: 12 says, "Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
About me: My name is Caleb I am 22 years old and I recently graduated from Pepperdine University. I am not a young person who has been rejected by society so I am lashing out, quite the opposite. I found myself in college to be a part of the world, I drank, I partied, I went on spring break trips to Mexico, I was in a fraternity, I even modeled professionally in LA for a while. What I realized is that some where along the way I had succumbed to the World's expectations of what a college student should be and put God on the back burner. My mind set was that I had time to be a good Christian and an example when I was older, I realize now that there's no better time to serve God and be an example then the now. I have rededicated my life to Christ and helping young people do the same. I am a pseudo college intern at my church and can't wait to see the way God will challenge me.
Catching Elephant is a theme by Andy Taylor
Great question I really appreciate your strive to remain pure and actually make boundaries. I would suggest first actually sitting down together and writing those boundaries out and typing them up as a dating contract and sign your names on the “contract” saying you will try your very hardest to abide by it. Then place it somewhere public like on your refrigerator at home, or maybe go over it with a leader at your church whom you trust or someone else to hold you both accountable. I talked to a few married couples who did this when they were dating and they said it helped tremendously with keeping physical boundaries in tact and their relationship focussed on God. I would also limit the time you two spend alone. For a guy alone time is the hardest part when trying to remain pure. Occupy your time together serving God, or fellowshipping with other believers. If you are alone, say at dinner, be somewhere public where you will be free from temptations. Ultimately I feel it comes to your mindset. If you both want your relationship to be set on the right foundations with God as center, you will put your desires behind you and his first.
As far as the second part to the question, it’s hard to make a guy take the lead. If a guy is ready to possibly get married he needs to take this step on his own, and understand his role. For a start explain how important this is to you, and talk about your expectations of the relationship. Then ask him his, and what you can do to help him to be that leader and remain pure. It’s obviously going to be hard for a guy to abstain from the physical, but if he genuinely cares about this relationship let him know he needs to be strong and guide it as God would want him to. Let me know if you have any more questions I’d love to try and help if I can. Good luck on your relationship! Remember to always keep God as the focus.
Just Friends
A question that has been on my mind for the last couple weeks is what boundaries need to be set with Christian friends of the opposite sex? I wanted to know this answer because I think in the past I have unintentionally led Christian girl friends of mine on. This has also been an issue in my college group in the past and I don’t want it to happen again. Because when it happens, even when people casual date in our college group and it doesn’t work out it causes dissension and people inevitably don’t come back because of it, and this is a real problem. I’m sure all of you have had those friends that have ended up liking you or thinking there was something more because you didn’t have proper boundaries set. This is especially a problem with Christian girls and guys because we are all looking for a good Christian spouse. So I guess I will attempt to what boundaries should be set in a Christian friendship.
1. Do not hang out alone with a Christian friend of the opposite sex.
Although you may think it is fine, I have seen so many cases where one person innocently asked another friend to coffee to catch up and the other person thought they were pursuing them.
Do not even have a bible study one on one with a friend of the opposite sex. For Christians studying the bible with someone of the opposite sex it is attractive, it mimics what husbands and wives or suppose to do, talking about deep issues, praying together etc makes you vulnerable and creates a deep trust in that person.
Car rides too can be an issue, if you are going on a road trip etc say a Church retreat do not ride alone with someone of the opposite sex you are just friends with.
Do things in group settings, all these situations can be avoided if you just bring another person along. It’s easy to do, if you are having a bible study invite a couple more people.
2. Text messaging/Facebooking etc
Be cautious on the amount of texting you do with a friend of the opposite sex. This is an area I’ve gotten myself in trouble with. Do not send nonsense texts, meaning texts that are not necessary to send such as, “Hey how’s your day going?” “What’s up?” In my case “Yo playa wat it do?” Also texting after a certain hour can be bad, I try to limit my text messages to before 10pm. Content is very important, I joke around a lot and this can be taken as flirting.
Facebook messages, pokes, likes, comments should also be limited. I have known people who have totally creeped out a friend by liking too many of their photos or comments. Facebook chat can also be bad, it’s real easy to be bored and message someone without thinking about it. But a simple message often leads to a long conversation, although I love deep conversations sometimes people read into them and take them to mean something more.
Skyping is also very personal and intimate, you might just think you are catching up with a friend who may be at college out of town but this can also give friends the wrong idea.
3. When hanging out (which hopefully is in groups)
Do not consistently single someone out to talk to of the opposite sex. This can mean being away from the group and talking to them alone. Or just continually looking at and talking to them more than anyone else while in the group.
Touching gives too many wrong signals. Avoid this. When you are talking to someone touching their arm can be taken for more, leg etc really any touching should be avoided. Massages also will convey more, I used to also be guilty of this one though I have stopped.
4. Do not be over complimentary
Simple messages encouraging someone of the opposite sex can go a long way, but keep it to that. Messages letting them know what a good Christian woman/man they are and telling them how you admire them can definitely be taken the wrong way.
You shouldn’t comment on someone’s physical appearance, don’t get me wrong some situations a simple nice hair cut or I like you shirt can be okay, but telling someone they look really pretty or cute is not appropriate.
5. Content of conversation
When you are having a conversation with a friend of the opposite sex, some conversation topics should be avoided. Do not confide your problems in a friend of the opposite sex especially love or dating problems. This can go the wrong way, if you are asking for instance why can’t I find a normal Christian guy/girl or asking the opposite sex ways you can improve yourself you will be sending the wrong idea and inviting compliments from that person.
I know this list is not perfect but I hope it helps a little bit. If you have anything to add or think shouldn’t be on there let me know I want to learn as much as I can so I can help others and myself. Be careful and set boundaries in friendships, do not pursue something unless you are for sure it will lead to something serious. It all comes down to finding security in God over girls/guys.
Haha I am the same way, I am totally oblivious to signs. I totally agree boundaries are necessary, I guess the question I have is what exactly should those boundaries look like? I.E. communications, hanging out, etc.
